sea sick

i thought of you today

and i couldnt understand

why those cold nights

at sea ever reminded you

of me and how the crashing

sound of water against

your metal cage made you

think that you loved me more

but how about those other

cold nights where you chose

to put your hands where they

didnt belong because now

youre back from sea

about five years in my rearview

and the thought of you

keeps reappearing.

 

don’t you

whats it like

to wake up

every morning

knowing you

have a twin

and i dont mean

the sign

the two faced

gemini who

cant express

herself

but i mean

the one you

abandoned

even though i’m sure

you look down

and theres a

tattoo on your

arm that should

remind you

of her.

old mindset

young black girls

are taught that they

must work twice as hard as

anyone else in order to

seem even half

as capable as those

who don’t work as hard

so while i feel ambitious and

driven to start again and to move

forward, i’m held back

by the weight of

a million people

who seem to be against

me even though

i know God is for me

and that’s all that should

matters.

when you force perfection

into your beautiful brain

it will choose to choke and

wrap its evil head around

each blood vessel

while sending signals of

doubt and weakness

to every intricate part.

be careful when creating

your standards

because perfection

isnt unattainable and now

that you know

strive for goodness.

 

that was the end

time and time again

freedom was at the

end of my finger tips

and my tongue could

taste and see what would be

good for me

and the the night came

that i chose to

put myself first

and i chose to love

myself more than

i ever have

but in choosing to do so

fear ran through my veins

while i tried to calm my

shaky and sweaty hands

my mind almost convinced me

to go back to the place i was

and i’m so thankful

that my heart finally

told me

no.

opposite

my hands are shaking

cold to touch

thinking about the truth that

lies beneath the surface

of every cell of my body

and the reality of my ways.

since honesty matters more

than modesty

i must take into consideration

that i am not the one

you think you’ve been looking for

and although my heart beats fast

when your name appears

again and again

i am accepting that this

feeling will fade as soon as

you find her

and the possibility of a

sweet end could be on the horizon.

i’m uncertain of my assumption

and uneasy with each word that forms

but honesty matters more than

modesty and i love you enough

to see someone else

light up your life.