dissect the enigma;
With a heavy heart
Comes a soft mind
And the open
Opportunity to be
Vulnerable in ways
You never could
Have imagined
And in this very
Moment
My heart feels like
It’s sinking
And my thoughts
Are clouded with
Draining memories
But thank God
He is bigger than
Them all and I can
Carry on.
Yes,
At the time I knew
What love felt like
Because I set the standard.
Low or not,
I felt something strong
Pull me closer toward
My distorted expectation
Of what love should be
Because I was not taught
Anything different
From early on.
Then I let go of
That standard
And real love crushed
Even exceeded any
Expectation I had
And I loved it.
I became addicted to it:
Now,
My soul is tied
To it.
My soul is tied
To his.
I lost years
Trying to live
In the tomorrow
And missing all
Of those
Fulfilling moments
And neglecting
The beautiful things
Happening around me
Yet I don’t regret
That rushing spirit
Because of the pain
Choking life itself
And now that
I’m in love with
The life I’m living
I feel an even greater
Pull to sit and savor
All that is for me
all i wanted
was to be
passionate about something
to sit down and create
stand up and speak
to listen and to learn
and make something my own
so i tried my hand
on things that i saw
others find life in
then quickly felt the
feeling of failure
and to this day
i’m still not sure
what could be mine
and what my heart
is drawing itself to.
do you ever miss
the things you used to love
despite its crippling
nature and inconsistency
have you ever thought that
somehow, in this different stage of life
they’ll remind you of the good days,
the days where you had no worries
where you lived your best life
on the social media platform
where everyone saw you take that shot
laughing and dance in circles
video after video
and picture after picture.
or the bad days
the days that no one saw
no one could save you
from the life you built
until that one sip
until that one blow
until the fist to the eye
the car crash
the emergency room
the overdose
the pain
but somehow
someway
we find our way back
each new year
we embark on a journey
to find ourselves
in the midst of all the mess
we’ve created and we
sink our heels into
this “newness” without
considering the trails
of tears and tired hearts,
destroyed and distorted
minds as a result of our
insolent words and
pessimistic spirits.
therefore,
our first step is not
in our personal declaration
to change,
but repairing what we’ve
broken.
And in the midst of it all
Darkness keeps placing its
Ugly head into the open cracks
Of the minds that God took His
Time in healing
While life’s greatest adversary
May think he’s won again
Then I heard God remind me
In the deepest part of my soul
That victory belongs to me
And He’s the same God that’s
Delivered boats from crashing
Over the deep blue seas
And the same God that kept
Me when they broke into the
Home that I found solace in
The same God that kept him off
Of my back one last time
The same God that moved my hand
Off the brake that kept me from moving
The God that never fails
And is able to do exceeding abundantly
Will keep our minds at peace
Again if we believe
